At Home and Already Lost

For number one in undergrad study abroad Arcadia has a pretty convoluted way of going about the paper work. I’m studying abroad  planning on studying abroad this coming spring semester at the University of Westminster in London, England. My deadline for the application is October 1st and I'm freaking out that I will not be able to finish everything in time. Every time the finish line is in sight some new bit of paperwork gets in the way. Half of it is online and half are hard copies, then there are some places where everything is duplicated and no amount of meetings with 400 other students planning on studying abroad is going to help me figure this out. I am so utterly confused and I just want someone to hold my hand the entire way through. But no one's ever there to hold your hand so might as well jump in head-first. 

While running all over campus today going to meetings, turning in papers, and requesting transcripts and other bits of my academic career I find that I need a portfolio by yesterday and my tuition may not be covered. Its simply just too much. After raising my hands in frustration I laid them back down on my keyboard and began to send out copious emails requesting help. Yes they're needy and desperate because, at the moment, I'm needy and desperate. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I want to do is lay around and watch Halloween shows. It may not be October yet but if the mailing room at Arcadia gets to put up a festive garland then I get to completely trick out my apartment. Which looks amazing and smells as if someone's been baking pumpkin bread all day. 

Hopefully all my fears are for naught and I'll get over to England and everything will be alright and all my courses will transfer properly. But Murphy's Law is constantly ringing in my head, "If anything can go wrong, it will." I have twenty years or unfortunate truth that proves this law holds true. 

Enrolled in Zombie Tech

I have just had the stark realization that I may in fact be a zombie. Maybe this is some latent gene that has been laying in wait for the perfect moment of self-ignorance. What scares me is I do not seem to be the only one with this gene. I think every single student may possess this genetic anomaly.

            Waking up this morning I went through my tried and true routine occasionally checking the clock. The thought briefly crossed my mind to skip my upcoming class (but again, part of the routine) regardless I went out the door. Plugged in my ear buds and trudged the agonizing three tenths of a mile to campus only occasionally taking one out to offer a wave or a half-hearted greeting. Then I walked into class and sat. And waited. And waited. And others came in a sat. And they waited. In a class of about fifteen there were at least twelve of us in there waiting for something to happen. One third did not do the required reading and all were complaining about sleep-deprivation. Then the oddly awake freshmen strolls in and asks “Did no one see the sign outside the door saying class is cancelled?” Apparently not.

            I never thought about straying from my daily routine because I was not thinking. Just half-heartedly making it through the paces to get a decent participation grade. Looking at the facts I was not prepared for class this morning, did not have enough sleep, and honestly may have absorbed less than half of what went on in class that day. Why did I go in to my first class today rather than sleeping in and being well-rested? Because it is not part of the routine to be well-rested. It is not part of the routine to be prepared. If I can get through my day with an expert display of half-assadry, why should I change it? I am not the only one that suffers from this recent zombification of the modern student—there were eleven other people in that room.

            Why do I go to class knowing that I'm not going to absorb anything and am only partially prepared? Because I can. Because going through the paces to get the degree still gets the degree and I have deemed other facets of my life are more important. Part of me wants to say I can do it all: school, work, friends, everything--but that just isn't possible with eight hours of sleep. My current occupation is student and that is where the majority of my time and effort should go towards. Why then am I still unprepared and sleep-deprived? Are taking extra classes and overloading myself in every way really the best option right now? It’s time we as a generation took time to smell the roses and stop.

            Just stop.

            Stop running, stop rushing, and stop doing everything so half-assed. If sleep-deprived let it be from school work. There is something to be said for passion in what I do and that is what's lacking. Time to re-evaluate where I want to be and where I am. Is this going to get me to my end goal? Hopefully, but next time I'll pay attention to the signs.     

Someone on a cloud must be laughing.

I’ve had a recent revelation of sorts. Partially due to a recent series of events in my love life, but these are more the last straw in the long line of events towards a revelation. Although I’m 99% sure that no one reads this blog. Beware! About to put up intensely person things! Well not really names and date are changed. But I hope you all just got really excited only to be let down. If so we have something in common. That huge let down after some glorious spurt of anticipation everyone has experienced it. From this point many possible paths appear. Either keep waiting blaming the let down on a fluke and that all the anticipation will eventually pay off, retracing your steps to see if something went awry, or as I recently tried to do—accept the let down closing that door and moving on. I know what this sounds like: how to get over rejection, you can see the steps to getting over a breakup in your mind’s eye. But no I swear there’s more to this thought. Honestly I don’t know why but recently every time that I’ve fully gotten over something, may it be the loss of a family member, finding myself spurred by a possible lover, or a possible job loss, the gods laugh at me a throw a curve ball my way.

Being a broke college student and what not it would be nice to have a summer job. And up until a few weeks ago I thought that was a hope set upon a dream that is forever out of my reach. But by the grace of god I finally have my license. After taking the test and the instructor saying absolutely nothing I thought for sure I had failed for a fifth time. This woman held my fate on her clipboard. One wrong check and I could kiss my summer goodbye. I knew the outcome—a fifth time failure. While I was already thinking about when to schedule my next test and what I did wrong she turned to me and said “Ok you can come inside and get your picture taken.” The walk inside still escapes my memory but I did it and got that little piece of laminated freedom.

All week prior to the test I had been applying to everything under the sun and got nothing back. No emails, no calls, no carrier pigeons—nothing. Yet one day out of the blue a call from apple bees. After that I called places left and right and now may have multiple offers. Obviously after that I was tickled pink and will hopefully be hired by one of the fine establishments I applied at.

Now to the romantic story, although it did draw me to this new conclusion I doubt anyone will be interested. But the story has its significance so please bear with me. I’ve been crushing on this guy for a while, a long while, a really long while. That was up until this past holiday season. New Year’s proved to be a night of new beginnings for me one of these beginnings being leaving the crush in the old year. Honestly I barely thought about it after that night. Then a semester passed and I came home for the summer and we saw each other, and friends told me things, and I noticed things. Touches, statements, blatant hitting on me, I may not be the smoothest person in the world but I know when someone is hitting on me. After a serious bout of confusion it all cleared up: he is crushing on me. On New Year’s I made no attempt to hide my desires but he straight faced refused me. A let down. But a let down that I came to terms with and moved on from.

What I have gathered from all of this is a new outlook to things. That only when you completely accept the worst possibility or face the reality that you may be disappointed can you get what you want. With the romance thing I kept asking myself “why now?” “what changed?” The truth being that I changed. I think its accepting the worst is what makes us better and stronger for the future. And it is how someone deals with disappointment or unfavorable circumstances that determine their future. It may be that there is someone sitting on a cloud somewhere far above my head laughing at my utter confusion. But the much more likely possibility is that this disappointment changed me into someone stronger; or that my acceptance of not getting a license or thinking that I wouldn’t get a job makes the event that much sweeter and more wonderful.         

Summer Fears

Well finals week and moving back home have proved the perfect combination to force me to break my “post everyday vow” but I’ll try and update as often as possible. I ended the year really strong—STRAIGHT A’S!!!!—and nine hours of sleep the last week. Last Friday as it happens was my birthday. My wonderful friends spearheaded a trip into Philly which included a lot of wandering around, bookstores, and a restaurant named Sassafras (all I have to say about that is ostrich is a dry meat) a perfect me themed day. And to top it all off they bought me the fifth Game of Thrones novel A Dance With Dragons which I’ve hardly put down. But the goodbyes are done and I’ve started summer. Hopefully it’ll be a good one.

Every summer before last I had worked at a summer camp, getting up at eight and coming home around five was tiring work but it was work all the same and gave me something to do. Last summer I tried the whole “find a job thing” which is not as easy as it sounds. That summer devolved into about a meeting or two with friends per week, way too much family time, a disheveled room, and multiple failed driving tests. Never take the test in a mini-van you will fail no matter how experienced you are. It’s a repeat of last summer that I fear the most. Having so much idle time that my life simply seems a waste (don’t do to well with nothing to do) so hopefully this summer I’ll actually get my license, a job, and hopefully even an internship. At least I know I’ll be taking summer chemistry to get the requirements out of the way so there’s something to do. School was stressful no doubt—but that’s what I love. Stress and deadlines always working towards a goal. Summer is just the opposite there are no goals. For some this may be nice and relaxing but I need structure. 

Hoot Friday

Apparently "Thesis Day" means "all-day nap" in my mind. This day fully comprised itself of napping, waffles, and Game of Thrones. Brunch was a great time. Now I still want to sleep, so this entry is going to be short. Didn't much think on anything today, all I have to say is caffeine addiction is a bad thing.

Nap Dreams

The beginning of this past week carried with it the beginning of finals work. Meaning sleepless nights, watching the sun rise, and possible mental breakdowns because of the mind-boggling workload. The week started off with a magazine class portfolio due on Tuesday where the last article was near 3000 words—and a night capping out at 6AM. Little sleeping happened that night so I tried to make up for it Tuesday afternoon. Usually I’m all for naps, they remind me of a simpler time when all I worried about was snack time and where to lay down my Lion King sleeping bag. Turns out this nap ruined my sleep schedule for the entire week resulting in even more naps. One thing I’ve found about my naps is that the REM cycle comes faster than normal. This means more dreams. Today I got to enjoy a terrifying dream involving vampires, Eddard Stark, my elementary school, the police, a party house, and an indoor bounce palace.

Basically I kept getting chased by vampires (horrifying ones not attractive ones) and ran through different areas. I have no idea why Eddard Stark showed up in the bounce palace but he quite possibly saved my dream life. The vampires themselves combined a lot of different aspects from vampire lore. They had terribly long nails; one scratch turned you into a vampire and the second meant death. It started in a house racing through the rooms running away from the police. Suddenly I’m in my elementary school listening to someone giving a speech with one step through an archway Eddard Stark’s screaming at me to run. “Vampires are coming.”

Although the dream was terrifying it’s not the contents of the dream that shocked me. Noises kept sporadically waking me up, drifting in and out of sleep made no difference to the dream. Even when I woke up and tried to think of something else the dream storyline stayed the same. Lucid dreaming always came easily but this time ‘round it was all terror all the time. Might start keeping a dream journal or just post the interesting ones here. Just thought the storyline staying consistent regardless of the sleep-cycle interruption was a tad odd. 

Might As Well Start

This is not my first jaunt into the social media world of the internet. I'm on them all twitter, Facebook, tumblr, YouTube, Flickr. Here I want to put something different everything I’ve done before has been at least in my mind too unfocused. I started tumblr because I thought it would be fun and it is but I want somewhere with just my thoughts and my work. Tumblr all too oft allows me to constantly reblog other people’s thoughts and ideas; here I want my perceptions aired fully. That being said everything posted will have to do with my life. Absolutely no trash talking. (The rule is more for me than anyone else) These words will have to do with what is going on in my life, what I’m reading or watching—and yes I am basically a full-fledged nerd so that will come out too. Thankfully the powers that be who bequeathed onto me these odd interests also gave me astounding physical beauty. I’ll try to post daily, some maybe short some long. Please read and enjoy!